Mean Girls…...no one is more vicious to girls than other girls!
Mean girls will always be in your daughter's life, so it something she will need skills to deal with.
We experienced this in grade 2, when my daughter’s “best friend” started blaming her for things going wrong in her life and saying that she was leaving the school because of my daughter. The “best friend” would tell my daughter “I hate you” and “I’m not your friend anymore” one day, and then want to be friends for a few days. My daughter was so confused and would cry nightly because she just didn’t know what to do. She felt like it was her fault so she didn’t tell me right away. It broke my heart! I couldn’t do much to help her and the feeling of losing her friend one day and then being confused how they could be “friends” for several days before the vicious words would start again was wearing my daughter down.
Empower Resolution
When girls attack each other, it’s a toxic exchange filled with insults, snide remarks, body shaming, passive aggressiveness, and talking behind each other’s backs. We need to teach our daughters how to step back for a moment, think about what could be happening below the surface, try to forgive, or seek forgiveness, and reconcile when it’s worth it. As mothers, we need to not jump to our daughter’s defense for every situation. Yes they need our support, but they need help seeing the situation objectively. By teaching and supporting our daughters’ we can raise them to be self empowered to resolve misunderstandings and build strong communication skills
Two Sides to Every Story
Also remember, what your daughter tells you is only part of the story. She could be unaware of her part in it. For example if your daughter gets to the assembly early, leaving no room for the other girl, she doesn't exclude her intentionally, but that makes no difference to the girl left standing. To her, your daughter is the mean one.
Mamma Bear
Social media has changed the platform of bullying since we were kids, but it still hurts the same. As a mom, when we hear that our daughter is being bullied or hurt by mean girls, our Momma Bear instincts kicks in and we want to protect our “baby”. Getting emotional triggered does nothing to help our daughters learn to deal with the “mean girls”.
Conflict or Bullying
On top of raging maternal instinct, memories of your own girlhood pain start to emerge. Your emotions make it hard to focus on your daughter. Breath, stay present and calm for your daughter. Fixing it should never be your first response because it will never teach your daughter to build self-resilience to deal with the social challenges she will face as she goes through life. We need to allow these moments to be learning experiences and be there for guidance as much as we can according to Rachel Simmons, author of two bestselling books on girls' behavior. Not every harsh word is bullying, usually, they're just signs of ordinary conflict. Learn to recognize the difference between conflict and bullying and gather enough information to determine which your daughter is dealing with.
Listen
It's natural to want to say things like “don't let them get to you” or “it's not that big a deal.” But this only minimizes how your daughter feels, and that is not what she wants. She wants you to validate her feelings and ask her to tell you more so she can feel supported. Then help her develop her problem-solving skills, step back and give her space to deal with the situation. If after a few days she is still stressing about the situation, you may need to help facilitate a resolution. The purpose is to help her see that she has options and that she can think of them herself.
If she feels like there is no solution, ask her if she can just avoid the girl and keep friends around so that the opportunities are decreased.