How to Help My Daughter through her first Period
Well it happened sooner than I was ready for!
Maybe it is one of the topics you dread talking to your daughter about, especially if you never had an open conversation about your time of the month when you were growing up.
When I got my first one I was 14 and then I never had another period until I was 16, but my mother had a hysterectomy when I was younger so there were no products in the house and the only people home were my brother and my step-father---so needless to say I stayed in the bathroom until my mother got home from work. Permanently imprinted in my brain, not the experience I wanted for my daughters.
When my oldest daughter was 11, she had half a day of spotting and nothing for another year, which was followed by a back to back period that was 9 days apart just prior to her 13th birthday. More recently my 10 year old daughter woke me up at 5:45 am one morning to ask me to come into the bathroom…….so I guess there is no time like the present to have the talk.
Both of my girls cried at the thought of growing up…...they have heard me talk about my experiences since they started to mature, and I have shared their birthing stories with them so they have some understanding of the process. But their concerns were that growing up would mean they wouldn’t be able to do “kid” things anymore.
I headed to Google to find a gentle way to explain things to them without being too blunt as I have a tendency to do, so this is a compilation of the information I found.
The average age that girls get their first period is 12 and you should not leave it until this time to discuss what it may entail. Keeping an open communication around the subject will help your daughter feel more comfortable and informed.
Stay Calm
Your daughter may be freaking out, so she will look to you to be calm. Change can be scary for children and adults, but she will need you to stay composed. You both will likely be feeling mixed emotions. Be her rock and let her know that menstruation is one of the most natural experiences for the female body and that there is no shame around puberty. This is your opportunity to tell a softer, more compassionate story than the ones you may have been told as a young girl. Long ago negative explanations of ‘Aunt Flo, Freddy, Your monthly Friend’ can now be told through a positive light and create open non tabue conversations among mother and daughter. Reduce her fear that ‘Gallons of blood will be gushing out of her body’, empower her to keep doing all the things she loves -- she is not “sick or deceased” while she has her period.
On average girls get their first period between the age of 12 to 14 but some girls will experience it at a younger age and some not until a later age. Everyone is unique.
Explanation
Start by letting her know that life doesn’t need to stop just because she has her period. It is not a disease. Empower her and talk about the stages of puberty and woman hood. This is the perfect time to discuss sexual activity and anatomically correct terminology. Let her know that for the first few periods it may be sporadic and random and that it may take a couple of years for her body to become regular. Go over logistics and some troubleshooting areas like cramps, leak prevention, and how to dispose of a sanitary pad or tampon. Let her know that it is hard to ignore the feeling of moisture that comes along with having your period so that her fear of not knowing that she had a mishap is lessened and reassure her that when a ‘leek’ happens it is usually a small amount that is in your underwear. Talk with her pediatrician if you find yourself struggling.
Her first period may last 2 to 7 days and may be very light or even just spotting. Inform your daughter that her body may need time to adjust and get into its own rhythm, this may take up to a couple of years for some…..again everyone's body is different. Clots can happen and it can be scary, so you need to explain to your daughter that her uterus is shedding during this time and that along with blood, there may be some small endometrial tissue a.k.a. a blood clot. If this is something she comes to you about, it is always good advice to talk with her pediatrician
Menstrual Cycle
Normal menstrual bleeding lasts for about 5 to 7 days (in young girls it may start out around 2 day) Menstruation usually occurs every 28 days on average (between 21 - 35 days). After her body becomes synced into her own rhythm, she will become familiar with her menstrual flow. Although she may feel like she is losing a lot of blood, women usually shed between 2-8 tablespoons. Ovulation and egg release takes place around day 14 after you start your period. When the egg is not fertilized, the body will start to shed the uterine lining approximately 2 weeks after the ovulation.
Supplies
If you haven’t talked about it previously, take the time now to talk about options for products. Have a selection of liners and pads, and she may or may not feel comfortable using tampons. Let her know that there are different product options and that she needs to try different options as her body changes to find what works best for her. Show her how to make a temporary pad out of toilet paper so that if she starts at school she can feel protected until she can get a pad. Discuss and be hands on about how to use and dispose of the different products and what is best for leak protection and hygiene. Let her know there is nothing gross, creepy or inappropriate about her cycle, the products or her body. You can get her a cute small cosmetic bag so she can have a pad in her backpack and maybe a change of pants and underwear.
You will have to inform her how to insert, remove and dispose of tampons if she chooses to wear them, as well as discussing the importance of changing them throughout the day, every 4 to 6 hours( to avoid toxic shock syndrome). Young females should start with the lowest absorbency, and use a smooth rounded plastic applicator instead of the cardboard applicator style to make it easier to insert. Let her know that it may not go smoothly the first few times and that this is normal. It may not be the right product for your daughter but she can always reassess at a later date. There are special period underwear available now, as well as subscription boxes.
Support
Be there for her and listen. Answering questions and keeping communication open is your goal but what your daughter may need more than anything at this time is just for her mom to be there to listen. Let her know that you are always there for her and she can ask you any questions she may have about anything. Encourage her to open up about her fears and concerns. Sometimes sharing your personal experiences can help and instill the knowledge that all bodies are different. It is all part of a healthy, female body, and all females go through it…..what she is feeling is normal.
Positive Light
The number one thing is to keep it in a positive perspective. Try to avoid using the phrases “having your period sucks” or “the curse”. Some girls build fear around the blood, so as mothers we need to reassure them that in fact the uterus sheds about 3 tablespoons and we can demonstrate this by pouring this amount into a cup to reassure her. Avoid giving her a list of symptoms or issues she does not have and may never, and stay with the reality that bloating, cramps, mood swings and breast tenderness are the most common and likely symptoms. Your best bet is just to address these as they come up, put them in context, apply names to the symptoms and offer the tools to cope with them--again we are all different. And the number one thing we can do as mothers is to teach our girls to support each other and let them know we are all of the same team. If you see another girl trying to cope with a mishap, offer her a sweater or ask her to follow you to the bathroom so you can inform her kindly. We all go through the same event monthly so treat them the way you would like to be treated.
Dads Too!!!!!
Yes we need to get Dads in on the conversation too. They can be an asset to their daughter to teach them about the changes they went through in puberty growth spurts, weight changes, pimples, new hair in new places, B.O., experienced being viewed differently or being embarrassed by the changes. Our daughters should be able to tell Dad she forgot her tampons without feeling embarrassed or feel she needs to be secretive about it.