“Quit bossing me around”…..”It’s not fair, you never want to do what I want to do!”….
Oh my stars……
Have you ever had to explain that Life is Not Fair to your daughter?
So the other day we were at the park after school with two sisters that are friends with my two girls. The older sisters were together--because its not cool to hang around your younger sisters-- and the younger sisters ran to play on the one swing at the park….and what you might guess happened, happened…..yep they got upset with each other because they weren’t the one to get to the swing first. So after expressing their disappointment to each other, the sister friend came over to us to let us know that they wanted to go on the swing and now “she” is mad at me and doesn’t want to do anything with me, “she” only wants to do what she wants to do! My response was “well I know “she” gets bossed around by her older sister a lot at home and feels she never gets her way, so I'm sure she feels that when she is with her friends , that she could have more input on what she gets to do!” As the young girl grumped to my theory, her mother commented that she was sure the same thing was the case with their girls.
So have you ever had to deal with this issue with your daughters and their friends?
No matter the age of your daughter, you are likely to be accused of complete injustice, "That's not fair!" at least a few times during her tween years. Each protest over unfairness gives you an opportunity to teach her valuable life lessons. Your response will have a direct impact on how your daughter deals with other injustices well into adulthood.
“I’m Sorry You Feel Upset”
Validating your daughter’s feelings ,even if you think the emotions are out of proportion to the situation, and teaching her the words to use to describe her feelings ( sad, angry, disappointment….) lets her know that you understand how she feels and may help her calm down.
Fair Doesn’t Mean Equal
When your daughter is upset and throws out the “It’s Not Fair” complaint- explain that fair doesn’t mean equal. Instead, explain that this is true in the adult world too and that doesn’t mean it’s unfair, it’s just how the world works!
Give your daughter examples that she will resonate with from her life and express empathy and encouragement to her. Let her know that she is strong enough to deal with the disappointment and that it is just that. Support her by informing her that she is smart enough to recognize when it is truly injustice.
Don’t Reinforce the Injustice
Try not to reinforce your daughter’s belief that a situation is unfair. Saying something like, “Yes, your teacher favors those other kids over you. It’s probably just because she’s friends with their parents.” could lead her to think her situation is hopeless. Eventually, she may grow resentful and bitter over the perception of being treated poorly.
Teach Empathy
Help your daughter see it wouldn’t be fair to everyone else if everything was in HER favor. If she always got to go first, all the other kids would think it wasn’t fair. Or, if she gets an equal amount of stage time in the dance recital, even though she never practices, it wouldn’t be fair to the dancers who practiced hard to improve. (yes, another personal experience)
Teach her to think about other people’s feelings. When your daughter has empathy for others, she’ll be more willing to share and she’ll be able to be happy for other people who succeed, which is something as women we need more of!
Fight Social Injustice
Identify times when it makes sense to fight certain injustices. If a child is getting bullied, or a certain group of people’s rights is being violated, it’s important to speak up.
Teach your daughter socially appropriate ways to address injustice issues. Talking to a parent or a teacher, starting a petition, or getting involved in a charity might be healthy ways she can deal with social injustices.
Help your daughter understand when she encounters an actual rights violation. Make sure she knows when it’s appropriate and inappropriate to address issues.
The Big Picture
Girls or anyone for that matter, who constantly complain that everyday tasks are unfair or continuously keep score, usually aren’t looking for fairness. Special treatment and attention is what they are after. They believe they should always get the best of everything. ( Nip this in the butt ASAP)
So when your daughter complains that “it isn’t fair”, take it as an opportunity to help her gain control over her emotions, thoughts and behaviors.
Normalize Her Frustration
Rather than saying, “Well, life’s not fair my dear,the sooner you learn that the easier things will be” show some empathy by saying, “Yes, sometimes life feels unfair, and there will always be times we feel this way.” One of the greatest “life Skills” we can teach our daughters is to be able to cope with fairness issues because we all know and maybe even more so as women and mothers, is that if we have the skills to tolerate unfair situations we can be more confident in our ability to move on when we encounter them. Learning how to deal with perceived injustice is important for your daughter to be prepared for.
When she is an adult she will need to be able to deal with fairness issues in relationships, in family situations and at work. Knowing that she can tolerate unfair situations can give your daughter the confidence to be able to move on when she encounters hardship or true injustice.
Avoid Arguing
Avoid saying things like, “ are you kidding me, You get more things than your sister does every day.” Although you might not agree with your daughter’s perception, telling her it isn’t true won’t help.
So rather than stating what you feel are facts and arguing when your child says something isn’t fair, just acknowledge her experience. Say, “I know it’s hard to see your sister get so much recognition sometimes.” or “It can be tough when you feel…….”
Focus on Things She Can Control
If your daughter insists it’s unfair she has to stay in for recess at school when she doesn’t have her work done, (my own life example with my youngest daughter) talk to her about her options. Ask her what steps she could take to get her work done on time so she can go outside at recess and play with her friends.
It’s important to teach your daughter to recognize when she has control over things and when she doesn’t. Like she can control her own behavior, but she can not control a friend's behavior. Always try to give an example from her life ( when your friend asks you for help and you get lost in helping her with her work and then when the bell goes you haven't had time to complete your work and your friend runs outside for recess without you….you can’t make her stay to help you get caught up,..... but if you didn’t get your work done because you were talking to the person behind you or playing with the sequence on your shirt, you can choose to stay focused so that you can get your work done on time…….again one of my personal mommy struggles)
Allow Disappointment
Teach your daughter healthy coping strategies to deal with distress. Talking with someone about her feelings, writing in a journal or crafting and colouring are just a few examples of ways she can express her feelings.
It’s important for everyone to learn how to deal with uncomfortable emotions in healthy ways. Young girls who lack coping skills may turn to unhealthy options, like food or even alcohol. Help your daughter recognize that she can cope with her emotions, rather than escape them.
Role Model
Pay attention to your own attitude around other people and unfairly getting ahead or external circumstances you may feel are holding you back. Your daughter may adopt a similar belief
It may be truly hard to avoid saying things like “It’s not fair I didn’t get that promotion,” or “why do I always seem to get the short end of the stick?”, especially as women, but try to show your daughter that hard work, practice, and effort leads to results and when things seem unfair, you are able to deal with it in a healthy manner. Be a strong and empowered role model for the next generation of women by setting your daughter up for success.