How To Help My Daughter Work Through Her Anxiety

How To Help My Daughter Work Through Her Anxiety

Putting my daughters on the bus in the morning for school is always bitter sweet.  I enjoy my time to get things done around the house but my oldest daughter suffered from separation anxiety. 

 I was working afternoons, so I would put them on the bus in the morning and then not see them until the following morning.  After a full year of constant crying, clinging and eating issues, we sat down as a family and decided that I would apply for a weekend shift position, so that I could be there during week and every night for bedtime. 

 It didn’t take too long before we could see a change, and our daughter was sleeping better, not crying everyday and finally eating with us at meals……. 

Fast forward 4 years and we were dealing with similar issues and I could not figure out what was going on.  I mean I was home everyday for bedtime, my husband was with the girls when I was at work and I was there for them the rest of the time…..what could she possibly be anxious about? 

 Well I was unaware that she was stressing out about responsibilities and workload at school along with changing dynamics among the girls she had hung around with for years.   She would get off the bus and not want to talk about her day, at super she would sit silent and give one word answers when asked something and then at bedtime she would start crying.  

I would ask her what was bothering her and she would tell me she didn’t want to talk about it.  Several days of the same and I was starting to think we were going to have to book an appointment with a therapist, until she finally decided to open up or maybe she just needed to find the words to describe what she was feeling. 

 Either way it was a relief to hear her concerns and let her unload about what was stressing her out.  She said she felt like she was unprepared for the change in the amount of homework that was required, frequency of tests, level of reading and the speed required to get her school work done so she could stay caught up.  Her group of friends that had been together for the past few years had been split into separate classes and she was worried they wouldn’t maintain their friendship.  She was suffering from headaches daily and her mood was drab.  

I listened for a long while and we talked for a bit, had a long hug and a kiss goodnight.  I wasn’t a 100% sure how to help, so after she went to sleep, I headed to the computer…….here are some of the things that I found helpful…..

Adolescence is full of new challenges, and anxiety is a normal reaction to these challenges.  

 

What is Anxiety?

Anxiety is the thought that you can’t cope with the situation or that something bad might happen. It’s the emotions of worry and nervousness that go along with that thought. And it’s physical feelings like ‘butterflies in the stomach’, tension, shakiness, nausea and sweatiness.

 

Adolescence is full of emotional, physical and social change.  Their brains are changing and they are seeking new experiences and trying to find some independence.   But your tween might also worry about these changes, opportunities and challenges at the same time, while having irrational concerns -like that the world might be ending.

Feeling anxious is part of our normal range of emotions, just like feeling angry or embarrassed. The good news is that for most tweens, anxiety doesn’t last. But you should know that for some tweens, it can be so intense that it can prevent them from doing everyday activities.

 

Help Her Manage Her Anxiety

Not all anxious feelings are bad, they can be helpful at times and keep us safe.  If she finds herself in a situation that causes her to feel like she has butterflies, the sweats, or if she feels nervous, this can mean she is getting ready for a challenge, and can be used to help motivate her to do her best.   Like when the teacher hands out a test paper, and she gets that nausea feeling, or having to get up in front of the class to give a presentation, or before the big game.

The best way to help your daughter develop the skills to cope with her anxiety is to talk through her worries with her. Let her know that her anxiety is normal and legitimate and that she can come to you for support, even if all she needs is for you to listen.  Sometimes she might just need to say what she is feeling out loud and feel safe. Sometimes just sensing an anxious thought can bring on more anxiety. This is when you need to STOP, STEP BACK and ASSESS. Address the anxiety in the moment. 

 

 

11 Things You Can Do To Help Your Daughter Work Through Her Anxiety

 

 Acknowledge her fears, take them seriously, be there to support her, let her know you believe she can overcome the fear. 

 

 Show your daughter love and support

 

 Try not to fuss if your daughter avoids a situation because of anxiety, tell her you believe in her and celebrate any small step she takes to deal with it.

 

 Just listen, let your daughter explain her feelings in her own words and don’t rush to reassure her or solve problems for her, this will help your daughter identify her feelings and thoughts.

 

Let her know that all emotions, positive and negative, come and go.

 

Tell her about your own worries as a young girl, let her know that everyone feels anxious at times and that feeling anxious is normal.

 

 Gently encourage her to do the things that cause her anxiety,  don’t push her though….she has to be willing on her own with your guidance.

 

 Help her set small goals for things that she feels a  little anxious about, encourage, don’t step in too early or take control.

  

 Avoid labeling your daughter as ‘shy’ or ‘anxious’.

 

Try to be a good role model for your daughter with the way you deal with your own anxiety and stress. 

 

 Above all try to create and maintain a strong, positive and supportive mother-daughter relationship as this will help protect her from mental health issues like anxiety disorders.

 

 

Getting More Help For Anxiety

Depending on the severity and frequency of your daughter's anxiety it could develop into an anxiety disorder and affect her everyday life.  This is when you should seek professional support. 

Your GP

School Counselor

Psychologists

Community Health Center

Local Mental Health Services

Kids Helpline (confidential telephone counselling)